Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
