Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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