So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
