ADVERTISEMENT

• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  but fathers day is next sunday

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet

  Fav 14 1180 4605

  share tweet
  

• (512): View more from Texas

  just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.

  Fav 20 1040 2625

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (316): View more from Kansas

  i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes

  Fav 25 5797 1939

  share tweet
  

• (206): View more from Washington

  I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia

  Fav 6 2886 1434

  share tweet
  

• (319): View more from Iowa

  Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.

  Fav 5 2069 772

  share tweet
  

• (803): View more from South Carolina

  Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...

  Fav 13 1889 1299

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (443): View more from Maryland

  Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.

  Fav 3 819 1294

  share tweet
  

• (434): View more from Virginia

  You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.

  Fav 10 1362 679

  share tweet
  

• (+61): View more from Australia

  So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....

  Fav 3 1667 676

  share tweet
  

• (551): View more from New Jersey

  My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie

  (1-551): View more from New Jersey

  You've got post-grad studies written all over you

  Fav 2 898 513

  share tweet
  

• (352): View more from Florida

  So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.

  Fav 1 346 186

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (870): View more from Arkansas

  i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'

  Fav 0 27 17

  share tweet
  

• (985): View more from Louisiana

  I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.

  Fav 0 22 8

  share tweet
  

• (308): View more from Nebraska

  You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?

  Fav 0 70 3

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (613): View more from Ontario

  I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet

  Fav 1 8 25

  share tweet
  

Randomize