mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
