I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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