dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
being pregnant is like rehab
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
