i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
