the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
