I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
