I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
