Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
