If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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