dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize