I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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