So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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