You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
