Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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