Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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