I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
