Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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