ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
