I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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