I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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