I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
