he puts the penis in happiness.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize