whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
