my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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