Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
