U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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