I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize