my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
