Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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