Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Boobs are out for the taking
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
