this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
