So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
