When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
