textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
