The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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