my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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