How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
