accomplished twins. life is a go
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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