Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize