I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
