So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
