i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
