dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
