Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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