I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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