I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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