We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
