im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
