Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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