Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
