I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
