I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
